The Sins of a Good Person Part 1

When I started this journey of beginning again, I was stuck in the middle of my life completely lost in this world, and desperately trying to figure out what to do with this horrible pandemic-induced mess that abruptly changed the trajectory of our lives. Turns out this was the best mess that could have ever happened to me and my family.

[ If this is your first visit to my blog and you want to know what happened before this: Go Here and read Meet Me in the Middle]

Before the pandemic, we bought a new home and as a result of that, we also needed to find a new church home as well. We hadn’t been to church in years since we moved. My husband’s best friend recommended that we go to Epic International Church, it’s non-denominational. It’s located in Sayreville, N.J. We only got a chance to attend a few services due to the pandemic closures, but we loved it immediately. It felt like home, warm and inviting. After the pandemic ended, I received an email saying that the church had reopened and began inviting people in person again. We welcomed the opportunity to get back in with the community of believers after being isolated at home for so long.

The one thing I had always hoped for since before we got married was for my husband Keith to go to church and get saved. He never went to church as a child; he didn’t know God in any capacity. When we were in marriage counseling with our old pastor Reverend Taylor at Community in Englewood, N.J. He met with us weekly to discuss how to maintain a successful marriage and discuss any issues we were dealing with. My biggest issue was that Keith wasn’t saved. The nerve of me, I said, ”Rev, tell him to get right with God.” What the Reverend said next shocked me. He said, “Leave that man alone! He’s a good man. Don’t worry about him. Let God work in him and on his heart. You just worry about you being a good example to him and he’ll come around when God is ready to call him.” I absolutely was not expecting that response! I thought he was going to at least try and minister to him. Instead, he ministered to me saying, “Don’t nag him about it, don’t pressure him, don’t try to force him to go to church, just leave him be.” I was taken aback, feeling stunned at his direction, but I listened to the advice. I left it alone entirely and we went on and married on September 19, 2015.

We enjoyed our marriage for a good while and we also struggled with it. It was more of me just being completely unsatisfied with my current state of being at any moment. I was never satisfied with anything for long. It was always about what was next, leveling up and keeping up with the societal pressures of the constant need to stay on top. I overindulged in all things nice, beautiful, and expensive. I wanted all the things I always wanted but never had. It was always about the getting and not the having. It was purely misguided hunger and the lust and greedy worldly desires of me always wanting more but I was a “good person”.

I remember clearly one day being so furious with my husband and just wanting out of what seemed like a “loveless” marriage he was “supposed” to be the one to make me happy by filling my needs, wants, and desires. I thought he failed miserably at this concept. Then one day I went looking for something in my closet and I found an old journal of mine. I opened it and began reading it. I read a prayer that I wrote in 2004 when I was a struggling single mom.

It read, “Dear God, All I want and need to be happy is a good husband, my own family with children, and a big house. If I have that Lord, I will be happy. In Jesus name Amen.” In 2019, fifteen years later that prayer I wrote to God was completely forgotten about. I’m in this life with every blessing that I asked for to make me ”happy”. I had it all: a Good husband, a beautiful family, and a seven-bedroom beautiful home. My prayers were answered but unrealized, I was sitting miserably in discontent with all that I asked God for to make me happy.

How many times have you sat fully in God’s blessing realized or not with an ungrateful heart posture?

I also struggled with infidelity in our marriage, never physically, but emotionally; which is much worse to me because the desires of your heart are so deceitful that mixed with unfiltered intrusive thoughts and selfish ambitions is a disaster (mental note: don’t follow your heart). There were times when I wanted to just end our marriage because of what I “thought” our married life “should be” like and look like according to what we see in the movies or on social media or what others were experiencing. Oftentimes it never added up to my own reality. I even had this self-sabotaging feeling of being in control. Like, If I just end my marriage at least I will be in control of it and can predict the outcome. The generational curses of being raised in a broken home, the trauma of being physically abused and having abandonment issues of commitment and unworthiness the long-term effects of these things began seeping into our lives.

There was a pivotal moment when this terrible road I was trekking down got turned around. When a colleague and good friend of mine named Paul made an emergency call to me to quickly go to the hospital, his father had become really sick and didn’t have a life insurance plan. We had been discussing it for a while but we never got around to meeting. Meanwhile, I was carelessly planning my marital demise to finally meet up with the man I had been emotionally involved with for the past several months; the very next day. After seeing my friend’s parents at the hospital and enrolling them both in a Life insurance plan. I gathered my belongings, wished them well, and began walking out the door. Until they interrupted me before I reached the door. They both asked me if they could pray for me. In my mind, I was thinking of the corporate rules we were always taught not to mix “religion” and work together with clients. I just stood there contemplating the appropriateness of it all but they insisted and demanded me to come back towards them saying “Come child, come and pray with us”. I listened, after all, I thought about it couldn’t hurt for me to pray for his father. They both didn’t know me outside of being Paul’s friend and colleague. His mother Linda asked if there was anything specific I’d like for her to pray for. I said, “Please pray for my marriage”. She began to pray for my husband’s possible infidelity ways but I stopped her and confessed that it wasn’t him, but it was me who was struggling. She was shocked and said, “Oh ok wow, and then she immediately called out to the Holy Spirit. She prayed fervently for me in this hospital room. The atmosphere shifted. I went from being a professional broker helping them to secure themselves financially to a complete broken down emotional mess ugly crying in grief and in shame of my adulterous behavior and feeling so heavily convicted. I felt extreme remorse. After praying with both of them I felt with a sense of hope and peace that brighter days were ahead. I knew that it would require a change in my mindset and behaviors. I was going to absolutely ruin my marriage.

Y’all, I was really planning to go all in with this man. He was so powerful and he was everything I thought I was missing in a man. When in reality, he really wasn’t. I truly had an amazing husband and great father to my children already. This rose-colored plan we created together to leave our spouses and be together was a lust-filled spirit of temptation. In reality, it was never going to work, but in my mind, it seemed like the perfect plan for myself and my own happiness. Like, forget our kids, my home, my husband, and all that I prayed for and had been graciously blessed with. I was convinced I should leave all this behind for the sake of my own “happiness”. Everything, everyone, all that we built together. Looking back I was incredibly selfish, and this was a wicked plan of Satan, our enemy who deceives, robs, and steals from us all. Most people can’t see this while they’re in the storm. We are completely blinded by our sins. We do what’s right in our own eyes. We leave the will of God and his commandments. I thank God for his grace and for that divine intervention appointment at the hospital. The irony of the location was that my marriage was in the hospital on critical life support. Nothing coincidental at all because had this divine appointment not occurred my life could have looked very differently right now. Paul’s mom, Linda, and I grew very close; she became a very special person in my life. She’s my wonderful spiritual mom and advisor.

By the grace of God, we never had a physical encounter but emotionally I was reckless. I was torn and lost in my feelings. I was caught up in the desires of my heart and the matters of the heart are what move us deeply. I gradually cut off all communication with him. I confessed everything and apologized with deep regret to my husband. I realized the unrealistic expectations and pressure I was putting on my husband. It was so wrong and unfair to put another human solely in charge of my own happiness. It was crazy. Listen! the enemy thought he had me but Jesus said you are mine! Keith was always so good and patient with me. Love endures all things.

1 Peter 1- 5:8 states,

“Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour.” Your adversary, your accuser, your enemy, Satan was a liar, a thief, and a murderer from the beginning. He is the father of all lies.

His playground is in your MIND.

In our marriage, we also did a lot of things right and made some good decisions and we genuinely loved and cared for each other. We loved and adored our children. We also knew all too well the pains and heartbreak of raising children in a broken home from our first set of oldest children from our previous relationships. We didn’t want to repeat that mistake and that was the glue that bonded us to stay together during those difficult moments. We didn’t have a firm foundation spiritually together with God to lean on for help in our marriage; we sadly depended on ourselves, which is always harder.

We basically operated our entire family life on what I “thought” a successful marriage in American society should look like. The tyranny of the “ how it should be” thoughts wreaked havoc in my marriage. The pressure of always feeling like we needed to keep up was so heavy on us. Instead, we should have been resting in God’s presence and provision while being content in every circumstance with all we’ve been blessed with already. We know better now.

7 years later…

When we were attending our new church home one Sunday in April of 2022, Pastor John Wagnor at Epic made an altar call for anyone who wanted to get baptized. To my delighted surprise Keith, unprompted by me, voluntarily walked up to the altar. I was elated with pure joy. I knew right from there this was my green light to activate our spiritual life that had simply been laid dormant in our entire marriage.

Once Keith was baptized, we sought more ways to get involved in the church. I jumped at the first opportunity to get my kids back with other children. Epic made an announcement about a week-long revival sleepaway camp called Encounter God for Tweens & Teens that was happening in August 2022. It was perfect for my second oldest son, Kaden. However, I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t feel comfortable just sending him off alone. The only way he could go was if I signed up as a volunteer. In my head, I was thinking I was going to be like the cafeteria lady serving food or the lookout lady hiding in the bushes making sure everyone was following the rules. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t hover over my son so he could have an authentic experience, I really only wanted to be there to ensure his safety.

Weeks leading up to the camp, I regretted my decision and was so hesitant to go. I missed all of the preparations and staff meetings. On the day of departure, the staff had to meet at 11:00 am. I missed that meeting too. Kaden was so persistent, insisting that we still go. I was so exhausted from getting in late from the long drive from Virginia the night before. I was still breastfeeding the baby and seriously did not want to go anymore. Chris Wottowa, the youth pastor, phoned me at 1:00 p.m., stating they were all on the bus ready to go and asking where we were. Reluctantly, we arrived 10 minutes later after the last call. I sat down on the bus and asked Chris what my responsibilities were while we rode on the bus to the camp in Pennsylvania. Turns out I really had no idea what I had signed up for. I was to be the camp counselor for four teenage girls. Of course! I thought what am I going to do with a bunch of emotional young teen girls when I’m used to being a tough and gritty boy mom, I laughed sarcastically. My partner counselor, Andrea, was a nurse. they teamed us up because someone had to be with the girls at all times. So, Instead of being the lookout lady, I was the backup counselor in the event the nurse was on an emergency call. I decided to give it my best shot for the week. After all, I volunteered.

All week, every day, I was just in absolute awe of the kids worshiping God. They loved devotional time and reading their Bibles; they had bibles that were really used and worn out and they took extensive notes and highlighted scriptures. They had favorite books in the Bible and they displayed an extremely powerful emotional reverence for God, and they took their relationship with Jesus seriously. These young kids really knew God. So much joy radiated on their innocent faces. They sang & played gospel songs at their leisure with so much zeal and passion like it was a pop song. They were worshiping God all on their own. No parents stood guard. I learned so much just watching these kids. I was convicted with sadness that I had never taught my children any of these things. My kids didn’t even have a Bible. I had a Bible that a friend gave me from college but I didn’t really know much about personal devotional time with God. It was always difficult for me to read the Bible straight through. I only read the Bible one scripture at a time, when I actually went to church and the pastor would say, “Open up your Bibles,” in preparation to preach a sermon.

I was saved but didn’t truly have a real relationship with God. I always thought my own spiritual life was personal to only me. I also thought that to be “spiritual” meant to meditate and do yoga. I thought that’s how you connect spiritually. Man, I was so wrong! Doing Yoga is the practice of worshiping Hindu gods. Ugh, I never knew that. I stopped immediately. My children didn’t know any Bible verses, gospel songs, or anything really except food & bedtime prayers. I guess in my mind, I didn’t want my kids to grow up in a strict “religious” home. I was always thinking that they would rebel away from me; I figured they would just have to somehow find God on their own after I only taught them to say bedtime prayers and inconsistently took them to church. Sadly, I didn’t give them a foundation of truth to live by in this crazy world. I left them defenseless.

After seeing these young kids on fire for God and loving it, I felt like wow, my children were really missing out. I was so wrong. I never taught my children about all the promises of God. So unfortunate that I kept their rich inheritance from them. Never again, I vowed. I’m making a change. Wow, my mind was just blown. I had been undone and brought to the end of myself by fourteen-year-olds.

On the last night of Encounter God camp, I finally got a chance to sit down and really lean into the message that the speaker was saying. I was curious–what did this man have to say about God? There was one open seat left in the front row. The speaker’s name was Ian Ross from Circuit Riders, a program where young people travel around the U.S. evangelizing to students in high schools and colleges. While he was speaking, my biggest life-changing “Ah ha” moment came. This made me realize the way I viewed Jesus and the simple things I was doing in my life were very wrong.

He said, ”People think that accepting Christ in their lives means that Jesus occupies this tiny space in your heart and you go back into the world and participate in all these ungodly, worldly things.” He then said, “Let me show you what this looks like; let’s walk this out visually and you tell me if this makes sense.” He gave this scenario: “Let’s say you’re ready and you’ve accepted Christ in your life. Ok, now Jesus is at your door with his bags packed. What do you do? You say, “Jesus, come in, welcome to my home.” Let’s say you give him the master bedroom. Good, now you gave him the best room in the house. So, Jesus is in your house, bags unpacked. He’s hanging out in the master bedroom with the door closed. What do you do now? Do you talk to him?” He said, “Imagine me having a relationship with my wife or anyone else, and all I said occasionally was, “Good morning, thank you for the food and Goodnight … would that relationship work? “No! Of course not.” The speaker goes on to say, “What are you doing in the next room while Jesus is in your home? Are you sitting in the living room watching horror movies? You must guard your eyes; they are the windows of your soul. Are you throwing your life away by constantly partying? Are you getting high, or involved with drugs? Are you not walking in your God-given gender identity from birth? Are you doing harmful things to yourself in this ungodly world? Are you altering your face or body? Are you watching or engaging in porn? Are you cursing? You must watch your mouth, your words are powerful, and you will be held accountable for everything you say. Are you struggling with anxiety and depression? Are you gossiping? Are you having premarital sex? Are you drinking till you’re drunk and smoking? Are you masturbating? Are you lying and stealing? Are you listening to this negative vile music? Attending their demonic concerts? You must guard your ears, what goes in you become. Are you idolizing celebrities and other influencers? Are you comparing your life with someone else’s? Are you holding on to anger and bitterness? Are you prideful; boasting and bragging? Are you jealous of what others have? Are you filled with vanity and conceit? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? All while Jesus is in your house ?” When was the last time you repented for doing any of these things? What’s worse is What if Jesus is not even in your life at all? Without our savior Jesus our lives are hopeless and without hope, our hearts begin to die. The closer you are to sin it eventually births your ultimate death!

Whew! This hit me like a ton of bricks. I suddenly felt like that empty front-row seat was on fire and he was speaking directly to me. The cynicism in my mind said, ‘Well, I’m a GOOD PERSON” I don’t bother anybody, and then the speaker all of sudden yells out, “It takes more than being a GOOD PERSON!!” I was awestruck. I sat at the edge of my seat, riveted. Wait, did he just hear my thoughts? He continues and says, “Whether you’ve accepted Jesus in your life or not, He absolutely loves you! You are important to him! Your life matters to him! Jesus doesn’t want to occupy just a tiny little corner in your heart. He doesn’t want only your heart. In fact, he wants your entire soul, your entire life! He wants you to sign the deed of your life over and trust him with ALL of it! He wants you 100 % surrendered. Time to awaken from your slumber! He wants you ALL in! Your life is not yours. It was ransomed for a hefty price! God gave his only son Jesus to save your life by dying a criminal’s death on the cross, He died a gruesome public death. He was whipped, stabbed, brutally beaten, mocked, spat on and his hands and feet were impaled with nails to the cross for you! He took the penalty of sins which is death for all of you, his blood was shed to cover all of our sins so that we can be with God again because you are worth it!

The sole purpose in your life is to find God and give your life back to him willingly! Then walk in the divine purpose he gives you. He has plans to see you prosper and to give you hope and a future. God gives us all so much grace and mercy along this journey called life. God gives us 120 years to find him. A lot of people don’t make it past 21 years old. There will be a moment in this life, it’s already upon us now where God’s grace and mercy in this age will end and it will be too late. Don’t get left behind. Don’t be fooled or deceived by all this new-age misinformation! Satan is a liar! (John 8:44.) He will tell us lies about God, about ourselves, lies about our identity and then rob you of it, lies about sin, about the purposes for which God made things, the Earth, and about every other aspect of life.

I was completely wrecked by this message at the kids’ camp. Deeply convicted with the truth. I knew deep down in my heart that I was not living a fully surrendered life! Even though the core heart of me is indeed a good person! Being a Good person is not enough! Being a Good person also doesn’t make you a child of God. We are all of God’s creation, yes, but we are not All God’s children. That requires Belief, Acceptance, and Confession in the ONE God has sent – Jesus! Then being ReBorn of Water & Spirit. Believing and Doing this will lead you to turn away from sin. It will draw you closer to God and he will draw closer to you.

Now, I too wanted to be on fire for God like those children at the camp were, I wanted the pure joy and reverence for Jesus that they had. I wanted to have a deep relationship with God like they did. Through their childlike innocence, they became the perfect example for me.

Ian’s message was empowering to the kids to be bold in their faith and to be leaders for Jesus. For them to start a Jesus revolution in their schools with their friends. I wanted to be bold too. I wanted to fully walk out in my faith and lay down my ambitious life that I continually failed in God’s eyes. The speaker said, “If I could leave you with anything that you need to know and should listen to, I want to leave you with this: Read your bible, read your bible, read your bible, read your bible, read your Bible. He repeated this over and over again! Until it was seared in my brain. He told us that if we didn’t encounter God tonight, we would encounter God soon and when you do…move immediately.

They did an altar call and without hesitating, I walked up, along with others. The band began to play, and the evangelist and youth pastors began to lay hands and pray over everyone, the youth pastor Chris, being one of them, prayed over me and asked God to mark my hands. I had no idea what that meant, but then suddenly I felt this overwhelming heavy sense of love come over me. It was very warm and comforting. With my eyes closed, my whole life played out before me in a reverse preview mode in my mind as if I were in a trance state of dreaming while awoke.

In each moment of my life that played out, Jesus told me he was there. He showed me everything I had gone through and he kept saying audibly in my mind, “I was there.” “When you were abandoned by your parents, I kept you”. “When your mother physically abused you, He too felt and experienced my pain of being beaten. It’s wrong and he cried with me in sorrow”. He said, “I saved you in the greatest moments of your despair and I heard your cries.” “Everything you suffered through was not in vain”. He said,” He was there through it all and He loved me so much”!

I stood there in the presence of the Holy Spirit, crying and weeping allowing Jesus to reveal all of His true love for me, all of those years, through all of my painful past. What felt like only a few minutes but in reality, four hours had actually passed, I seemed to have lost time. I was the last one standing in silence when I turned around to an empty room. One of the camp youth pastors waited patiently till I came out of that space and hugged me.

The next day it was time to pack up and leave camp. We all said our goodbyes and headed home. The camp was called, Encounter God, and that’s exactly what happened to me. I was simply in awe of what happened at the camp with the children. I felt like God specifically wanted me at this camp and if I knew all the details of what was required of me, I probably wouldn’t have followed through. I also now realized the heaviness I felt in the beginning, all the negative thoughts I had, and all the dread of arriving at this camp was the work of Satan, the real enemy, he knew there was something absolutely incredible in store for me. He didn’t want me to have that encounter with God.

This pivotal moment in my life of finding wisdom and understanding and learning the errors of my ways would be the springboard of a whirlwind adventure of what was next to come, that would take bold faith and radical obedience to the call of Jesus “Follow me”!

A fire was ignited inside of me. I finally understood what I was doing wrong for all of these years. I was turning 45 literally the next day. I knew I didn’t want to waste any more of my precious time. I wanted to surrender my entire life to the one true living God, Yahweh, and trust him completely.

Understanding: A Reflection of My Life Without Christ

It is written, that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life no one comes to the Father except through me (John 14:6) There is NO other way in this world to be saved and get to heaven without Jesus. Jesus didn’t die for you to have a religion! He died so we could have a relationship with God again. Everything in this world was created through Jesus; he was there from the beginning with God. You must settle it in your mind that the Bible is the infallible, incorruptible truth of God our creator. It is either all lies or all truth it cannot be both. You must also understand and be ok with not having all the answers. Be ok with not knowing everything leaning NOT on your own understanding but resting on the truth of God’s incorruptible word.

Having a true relationship with God is what God wants; it is a part of our original design before sin entered this world. I’ll repeat it: Jesus didn’t die for you to have a religion! It’s not about finding or being a part of a Religious church or organization. Going to church can help grow your faith if you worship in Spirit and Truth. Use your discernment when finding a good church home if you choose to go. It is always good to be around like-minded people to fellowship with one another and to absolutely get baptized (This is necessary). However, going to church is not a requirement to be saved or to live a Godly life. You do not need to go to church to Get God! You can pray, sing, praise God, study the word of God, and worship God every day at home with your whole family, as long as you actually do it. The Bible says God has left the temple and you will find him among three or four of you worshiping in spirit and in truth. Having a relationship with God through Jesus is absolutely necessary!

It’s not about doing Religious practices, following Religious sacraments, praying to statues, ancestral worship, practicing divinity, yoga, doing mandatory repetitive prayers, or even doing Good works. You don’t need any of these useless deeds or things to be saved or to access God, but you absolutely do need Jesus! This is about finding Jesus. Making him Lord of your Life fully surrendered – Literally letting it all go and having an intimate relationship – that’s what God values.

Many people who practice religious laws, customs, and traditions tend to get this grandiose stature about themselves and become full of pride and hypocrisy. This drives many people away from God. For those who pray in a repetitious manner multiple times a day, every day it eventually becomes a mindless gesture; their heart and mind are absent while doing it, their spirit tends to be far from the love of God, and God knows it!

Don’t believe that just because someone dies unexpectedly or devastatingly they automatically go to heaven. Don’t be deceived that if they were a “good person” or they were loved by many, or even if they had a nice funeral service with many people in attendance – this doesn’t mean they have gone to heaven! This may be a hard pill to swallow but let the truth set you free. They needed to have saved their souls! In exchange for eternal life returning their life to God and then turn away from sin to get there. There’s no salvation in death or after death! You are all responsible for your own salvation while you are still alive! No one knows if our next breath is our last breath. What are you doing with your life?

Thinking about the grave position that my life was in, back to the time when my life could have been easily snuffed out like a swift blow to a candle. God’s grace and mercy were the only way I survived. In one instance my naivety put me in a very grave, dangerous compromised position that almost cost my life. I was abruptly beaten and sexually assaulted by a man I met once and went on a date with him. While on this date he violently beat me in the car. Pulling my hair and punching me in my face. He told me his intentions were to steal my car, kidnap, rape, and even kill me. He was taking me to a place where he was going to tie me up and drug me if I didn’t obey everything he told me. Unbeknownst to me he was a hustler and a flesh peddler. By the grace of God just in the nick of time. I was able to escape him for a brief moment by pleading with him to allow me to go to the bathroom and there I immediately dialed 911. I was only able to say while crying “Help me” Then he began banging on the door dragged me out by my arm and forced me to get back in the car. The police quickly found my location from the ping of my cellphone. Five police cars pulled up with guns blazing. He was arrested at a gas station. They took me to the hospital. We went to trial and he served 9 years in prison. A myriad of what if’s played out in my mind like what If I died that night before I had the chance to fully give my life to Christ? It would’ve been too late! I could have died that night and I wasn’t ready! I was living in unrepentant sin with no salvation and death was close!

[This is my first time sharing this with anyone let alone publicly but I feel like by sharing this I can help other women who have also experienced similar situations so they know to seek God and break off the shame and guilt that is eating you up inside and walk in your freedom that Gods wants to give you.

[ I have peace about doing this and I no longer walk in shame, guilt, or fear. ]

I also suffered from parental abuse and abandonment. I was raised in a broken home by divorced parents. My childhood was riddled with fighting, arguing, fierce custody battles, instability, parental kidnappings, and just utter poorness and chaos. My father was severely disabled and very poor. He couldn’t really care for us (my older brother and I) but he loved us. My mother physically, verbally, and mentally abused me. She beat me so badly with hard slaps that left my ears ringing, I was whipped with phone wires, belt buckles, and frozen extension cords. I was harshly punished, made to stand in corners facing the wall for long extended hours with soap in my mouth or we were made to kneel on rice with books in our hands with our arms held out. She called me the most horrible names. It pains me to hear it even today. While in my mother’s care for all seven years of my entire life from Birth till two years old. Then at two years old, my mother put me in a foster home where I believe I was sexually abused but I can’t recall what happened. All I remember was an old man in his underwear standing over me. Then I lived with her again after she kidnapped us from my father’s custody and care from ages six to eleven. I lived a horrible, unloving, very poor, sheltered life with no childhood friends or birthday celebrations except one. I never grew up closely around any of my biological family on either side.

I eventually grew up in a foster home at the age of eleven. After the state removed me from my mother’s custody after she brutally beat me with a frozen extension cord and punched me in the face. She sent me to school with all of the visible injuries all over my body including a black eye with a blood clot in my retina. After being removed from my mother’s care I was left to fend for myself without my biological parental guidance at such a tender age of eleven. It was difficult to navigate as a young sheltered girl.

I was so fortunate and blessed to go to a loving and stable foster home. I had a chance while still young and impressionable to live somewhat of a normal life with friends, go to school go to nice places on vacation, and have nice clothes. This new home didn’t come without a new set of challenges. I dealt with the micro-aggressions of colorism dark skin vs. light skin. I didn’t look like my new family and was always constantly reminded of it. I was often bullied at school. I was always in so many fights always defending myself. I always felt “othered”, like I never quite fit in or belonged to anyone. What was especially hard to grip for me was being separated from the rest of my sibling brothers which was very sad and painful. I missed out on their entire lives. I was robbed of the sibling privilege of being their big sister.

The trauma of it all manifested into a sex addiction that I struggled with for years. When I was younger in my 20’s. I was promiscuous. This ruined my self-esteem, stole from my sense of self-worth, and even ruined many of my relationships. I realize now I was always trying to continually fill a void, from never feeling loved or wanted as a child.

Throughout the years my biological mother and I have reconciled on and off but we are currently estranged from each other. I have forgiven her. I realized hurt people, hurt people. I love her and honor her as my mother. All doors are open to a relationship. She simply has no desire to have anything to do with me or my children to this day. It’s very sad and heartbreaking. I’m still praying for a breakthrough in this area.

As I’m writing this, I know this now a year later, this revelation was still unrealized while I was at that camp. But God’s overwhelming love allows me to walk in his pure Love, Adoration, and Freedom from all the hurt and pain my mother caused in my life. I feel no pain and no need to fill any voids any longer. God is my Father in Heaven. God is love! He’s all I need.

After accepting the wisdom and revelation of God. I finally realized why I felt so anxious, and depressed and why I struggled with this stagnant procrastination like simply getting out of bed. I just felt so lost even in my wins, successes, and good times. I was still so lost. I can remember clearly wanting my days to quickly end as soon as it began. I was always feeling like something was missing. I had always believed in God but if I’m being honest. I was very “lukewarm”. Being lukewarm means lacking conviction, and half-hearted support, you’re not all in or all out. You’re not hot or cold. The lukewarm are those who claim to know God but live as though He doesn’t exist. They may go to church and practice a form of religion, but their inner state is one of self-righteous complacency. They claim to be Christians, but their hearts are unchanged, and their hypocrisy is sickening to God. The Bible says But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth! (Revelation 3:16) God hates when people say they love him and want to follow him but never actually do or they never follow through on what they say. They say,” Jesus we love you” but they are opposed to actually obeying him and following his word.

Sadly, This used to be me! I was very lukewarm with Jesus only seeking him out only if I was desperate. I was living in a continuous state of sin with no conscious conviction of my sin and no repentance as a “good person” every single day. I wasn’t honoring my husband in my marriage. I had no real prayer life, we did not worship together as a family at all, and I didn’t read the Bible at all. I was so prideful about having a bad potty mouth. Cursing to me was like a sport if you challenged me, I would curse you out like it was my job, and it felt good, I was relentless. I cursed at my children. But I’m a “good person” right? Every other word and swearing proudly like a badge of honor. My words didn’t even sound right unless it had a f ‘bomb in front or behind it like a dangling participle. The Bible says Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Looking back I cringe at how much I glorified cursing. I’ve asked God to put a new language in me that speaks love, goodness, and life over people and my children, a language that glorifies him only.

I was angry and bitter holding grudges to people I felt offended by. If you are looking for a reason to be offended you will surely find it. I was seeking out money and material things as a means of happiness, I was living beyond my means and then never being content or satisfied with any of it. I always still wanted more. I was living in a state of fear and panic after overindulging in the news. I idolized TV & social media as I binge-watched shows or spent hours doom scrolling Instagram and Facebook just wasting precious time. I idolized celebrities whose music did not glorify God but it glorified lust, sex, drugs, and violence. I was devoted to the demands of my career in the hot pursuit of making money and took on an all gas, but no-sleep mindset. Instead of resting in God’s presence and allowing God to provide. Society’s ways will distort the most menial actions and make it the social norm to where you can’t even see the sin because everyone does it so it must be ok. All of these things may seem trivial or like it’s not a big deal but they really aren’t at all. It is a big deal in God’s sight. God just gives us so much grace and mercy, to get it right he is truly a loving God. I was trying to live the worldly “ American dream” of what society deems as successful or right instead of walking in God’s divine purpose for my life, the narrow road less traveled on Set Apart Way.

If you are interested in what happened next please see the next radical chapter of our lives on the next Blog post called Surrendered Faith Walk. Please hit subscribe to get notified and comment if this resonated with you in any way Thank you!

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It is written: 

John 1:12

“But to all who did receive Him, who  believed in His name, He gave the rights and power to become children of God.”

Romans 10:9

“If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”

Will you receive Jesus Christ right now? 

May I suggest a prayer like this one:

“Dear God,

 I know I am a sinner. I want to turn from my sins, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe that Jesus Christ is Your Son. I believe He died for my sins and that You raised Him to life. I want Jesus to come into my life and take control of my life. I want to trust Jesus as my Savior and follow Him. I want to make Jesus The Lord of my life from this day forward. 

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”

If you are already a believer and you haven’t fully surrendered your life to Jesus will you consider rededicating your life completely surrendered full unyielding to God’s will?

May I suggest this prayer :

Father in heaven, today I call on The Great I Am. I fully surrender myself to You – spirit, soul, mind, and body. I ask that You direct my steps and supply every one of my needs as l move forward in obedience to Your Word.

In Jesus’s name, Amen.

I pray that God meets YOU wherever you are in your life softens your heart and allows your ears to hear the truth of his word. May you be spiritually enlightened and inspired to do the Lord’s will. His way is always better!

 In Jesus name,

Amen

Forever Humbled by it all

Salt & Light 

Aurelia🤍